Has anyone else in my position or a similar one faced this? People dropping off, leaving, not answering calls or messages. No blame to them, of course. I am exhausting. On my good days I am a brightness. On my bad days I am an obligation. I have been dumped by girlfriends. I have been ignored when I reach out in crisis. I have been told by partners that they don’t want to be a part of “this”, that they don’t know what to do, that they don’t like witnessing such intense sadness. They prefer the other me.
It is more than understandable for someone not to want to watch a movie that they see every day. That is the trouble with mental illness, it isn’t a linear narrative, it happens over and over and the witnesses get tired. I have a few people left, dear people, but they emphasize their distance, they state their boundaries. Messages go unanswered. I thought I had learned to be self-sufficient. Two years ago I was ferociously self-sufficient, private, independent of emotional need, dealing with my anxiety in a kind of solitary fury. You can never pinpoint these things, but I think I started really needing people late last year. It’s been a bad storm. But people aren’t supporting characters in my narrative, they’re lead characters in their own narrative. The question that remains is what do you when you’re left alone like this? What is there after everyone stops answering?