The way Thane remembers events is the way I remember emotions. Certain details, a scent or a sensation or a sight triggering a memory, I will remember not the perfect details of that memory, but exactly how I felt on that day, at that moment. Everything is full of feeling all of the time, bursting with it. A park, a street, a building. The smell of mothballs. Doctor Who. Teddy bears and advent calendars. The voice of my best friend. A tiny voice saying, “That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.” I think I’m coming to understand that that’s part of what bipolar II means for me. Everything is always so much that it could be good or bad, and it’s usually neither, it’s just…. so much. There IS so much. My sorrows and joys don’t pass or become dimmer, not in the traditional sense. No wonder I used to cry at every film as a child. There is too much, and I’m not sure how to become a more well-adjusted person who isn’t quite so in tune with everything she has ever felt, beautiful or tragic, or both. I would make a very good character in a romantic novel where everything is always heaving with overwritten human drama but I’m not a very good regular person, and I’m not a very good adult.
I'm a former student of English literature, an editor and a creative writer who has been attempting to live with body dysmorphic disorder as well as severe anxiety and a recent diagnosis of Bipolar II. I believe that struggles with mental health are often lifelong and people in these situations need comfort, support and occasional moments of peace granted to them in order to survive. View all posts by depressedmermaid1991